Alter Ego

When I was an adolescence, I was so emotional and hot tempered. I don't know why. But sometimes I will reason myself. A lots of times I will become so absorb with myself that I eliminate myself from the surroundings. On the other time, I wish to be part of the community, socialize and mingle with my peers. I wouldn't understand myself. I see the hatred on my friend's eyes when I rise to the boil. But when my temperature has cooled down, I see their confusion. How could my friends understands me when I don't even understands myself?

A lot of moment I thought maybe I suffer from a bipolar disorder. Because I can look depressing at times and I can look overjoyed on the other times. It's confusing. But I don't really have all the symptoms, and I am pretty sure I am not cracked on the head like some of the serious bipolar people. 

But as I got older, I started develop some sense of liking towards certain things. Usually it differ from time to time. I would like a black and red weddings, like a blood red it is. I like Metal, depressing music. I like Black Hole (literally), I love horror novel, some murder stuff. I even thinking of some murder. I hate kids, and feel like tearing them in pieces. I hate romantics, pinky stuff, flowers. I am arrogant bitch and like to walk with my chin up. I like fighting, violent, blood and tears. It was confusing. My inner thought is cruel. 

But in other times, when I am surrounded with my family and my mom, people I love. I became the opposite of what mention above. I like beach, waterfall, pink and blue, cats and dogs. I cried on the murder stuff, I even cried at seeing the sights of people on the rain without umbrella. I like romantics song and movie. I will absorb myself in the flowery stuff you have ever see. I love children and wanting them for my own. I am shy little girl ( well not very little aren't I? ) . I like Twilight, Fifty Shades of gray. I am dress in the most girly clothes ever. 

I had create a tons of fictional names. From Micca to Jenny. That's when I realize that it is not bipolar. I have my alter ego.  My normal self wouldn't about any of those things but when I feel lonely, even in the middle of the crowd, I will call my first alter ego. But when I'm in need of love, surrounded by lovely people, I am on my second alter ego. 

It would take longer than I expected to sort what going on in my head. But by having this things, it make me secure. I am shattered , broken in pieces so that is why I need a character to stay in one pieces. 

I'm the biggest failure for my family, for my mom. With a diploma I earned, I accomplished nothing. I can't even get a decent job. I can never enjoyed the salary I got. My mom always complaining how I'm not being helpful.

I am stuck in my hometown while my others friend continue their studies. Some even work with the famous people. Even my high school best friend, work with the government. All I do was wake up every morning, mourning for the job I have, with the little payment I got. I got skills, but I don't see where's that skills taking me.

I can't even get it right at home. My mom always angry at me and saying how I'm a big disappointment to her. I was suppose to be studying to help the family, but now that I finished my study, I stuck at home working like crazy and got paid nothing, burden with the study loan, car installment, bills etc. Sometimes I thought its better for me not to get diploma and straight to work after SPM so at the age of 22, I have skills and experience to make more money.

You know what anger me most? how my mom practically begged me to stay with her but nagging almost everyday for not being helpful. I actually got jobs offer from other states and districts, with impressive salary profile, but I decline just to stay with her.

JC - Who could have thought reading can be addictive?

I had never thought I could write again. My hectic schedule has been me keeping for writing. Writing and reading always something I am fond to. It never cease to amaze me. I can go on reading for days and even months if there is new book in town. Deep down my thought, I prefer trilogy or series because the fun wouldn't ended in just one book. This month I'd even read 2 trilogy. The Hunger Games trilogy and Fifty Shades Trilogy. I love them. why? Simple. Because they were books. My addiction to books always swept me off my feet. Sound like a man isn't it? I love them because they distract me. Distract me? from Everything. Life. Love. Career. Finance. For once my mind couldn't care less about any of those. I would go days without TV, food, and sleep. Yes it is addictive. Anyone with this kind of hobby will know. Simple though. You don't need tons of money for it. (Likewise, I download it. yeah I know but how do I say? it FREE!!)

Okay down to my books. I started my craziness this month with The Hunger Games. I want to make sure I read the book before I watch the movie. Now that I I've read the books. I don't feel like watching them anymore. I saw critics on Internet about the movie. Yes Jennifer Lawrence is divine for the role Katniss Everdeen, but I'm not sure about Peeta. Though it helps a little when you know who you're going to imagine.  it's not the best novel I read. But I gave a rank of 4/5. See? I can tolerate. In fact I would give Twilight 2/5. I am not into literature concept. But Twilight don't have moral value in it. The hunger Games? Alots. I'd bee stupid if I didn't notice the message the writer tries to send to the reader. It was obvious. But Twilight? maybe for a little entertainment. But as far as I am concern, it only bring to much craziness among the teenager.

and my latest addition, Fifty Shades of Grey. What can I say?? Wow. I cannot stop blushing in between the reading. wonder why? Well consider I am the celibate single women ( did I say Virgin?), yes it was blushing. Sometimes I just skip the part of BDSM. Too much revelation , too much violent, Yeah I'm kinda Anastasia  in that department. By the way, despite of it lack of literary content ( it exist purely based on pleasure, Like it was done on a hurry to seal some business deal ), the grammar, the spelling. Urgh my head from hurt of all it.   They were still awesome plot to the novel. you read and you want to know where this is going. unlike some  of the novel you pretty knock out the ending of it ( knock out eh? ). It has awesome story. but because it based on Twilight fansite, the character do not differs much from Twilight. How is that ? read and you find the uncanny resemblance. 

Of course I've read other novel. Do I need to make a list? I've read Interview with the vampire. Some novel from Sophie Kinsella , and many more. Don't want to make a books of it wouldn't it? I'm really looking forward to read Darkfever and it series. I heard it Good and they already making some kind of a movie deal. Now here's the challenge. I need to finish that book before they got on screen. Well, you get the idea.

xoxo
JC