When I was an adolescence, I was so emotional and hot tempered. I don't know why. But sometimes I will reason myself. A lots of times I will become so absorb with myself that I eliminate myself from the surroundings. On the other time, I wish to be part of the community, socialize and mingle with my peers. I wouldn't understand myself. I see the hatred on my friend's eyes when I rise to the boil. But when my temperature has cooled down, I see their confusion. How could my friends understands me when I don't even understands myself?
A lot of moment I thought maybe I suffer from a bipolar disorder. Because I can look depressing at times and I can look overjoyed on the other times. It's confusing. But I don't really have all the symptoms, and I am pretty sure I am not cracked on the head like some of the serious bipolar people.
But as I got older, I started develop some sense of liking towards certain things. Usually it differ from time to time. I would like a black and red weddings, like a blood red it is. I like Metal, depressing music. I like Black Hole (literally), I love horror novel, some murder stuff. I even thinking of some murder. I hate kids, and feel like tearing them in pieces. I hate romantics, pinky stuff, flowers. I am arrogant bitch and like to walk with my chin up. I like fighting, violent, blood and tears. It was confusing. My inner thought is cruel.
But in other times, when I am surrounded with my family and my mom, people I love. I became the opposite of what mention above. I like beach, waterfall, pink and blue, cats and dogs. I cried on the murder stuff, I even cried at seeing the sights of people on the rain without umbrella. I like romantics song and movie. I will absorb myself in the flowery stuff you have ever see. I love children and wanting them for my own. I am shy little girl ( well not very little aren't I? ) . I like Twilight, Fifty Shades of gray. I am dress in the most girly clothes ever.
I had create a tons of fictional names. From Micca to Jenny. That's when I realize that it is not bipolar. I have my alter ego. My normal self wouldn't about any of those things but when I feel lonely, even in the middle of the crowd, I will call my first alter ego. But when I'm in need of love, surrounded by lovely people, I am on my second alter ego.
It would take longer than I expected to sort what going on in my head. But by having this things, it make me secure. I am shattered , broken in pieces so that is why I need a character to stay in one pieces.
